hongking's Diaryland Diary



ah yes. and i miss a lot of places. like imm b4 its renovation, when it used to be really one big hypermart. and plaza sing b4 renovation, when there used to be a pizza hut on the 4th? floor and there were bronze sculptures outside and there was yaohan. just name it. all the old shopping centres b4 renovations, and all the memories they bring. miss them all.

2:12 p.m. - 2005-06-19



rappelling was scary. dun really trust my braking hand, bcos really, the rope is quite heavy for my arms heh. otherwise i just might have been bolder.

anw. i feel like i'm already out of ns. 1st long wkend in a long time. and i prob wunt have another long wkend until august haha. the psc pre-departure course is amazingly packed.

mm. ns's supposed to toughen us up right? maybe not. let me xplain. i have a generally positive attitude towards ns, but i still do imagine ns life to be the worst possible life one can have. as a result i expect civilian life to be quite the opposite, to be perfect. to be free of mosquitoes and biting insects, where the weather is cool all year round, and where u can travel to places without having to walk much. and b4 ns i was actually ok with terrible weather and with walking (yes esp walking). weird.

read angels and demons. got quite frustrated abt two-thirds thru the book cos i was thinking errrr. too similar to da vinci code. put together a male and a female (and those rather out-of-place "felt sth magical looking into her eyes"), the killer, some symbols along the way and tada a book. and lots of unbelievable stuff too. like how robert held on to the windshield tarp with his hands. as though his grip can last him so long. *laughs*. though i must say it was interesting to read a book which is set in a place i've been to/i've photos of. can almost imagine it being a movie, though much would have to be improved...

10:55 a.m. - 2005-06-19



had much to blog abt but. !!! bad stomachache

best to follow my instincts to coil up to alleviate the pain. just like any animal would

10:38 p.m. - 2005-06-18



a gd day.

collected a lvl stuff. then talked to canteen aunty. (her business is 23 years old!) and then to botanical gardens with sang (evolution garden though slightly disappointing in the plants it has to offer is commendable for the idea itself). then art museum and gelato there. then music essentials. then home. not bad.

book in? not too depressing. haha. god knows why.

8:01 p.m. - 2005-06-13



this bookout feels really long and good too. eating a lot...

the past week could have been condensed into 2 days hm. anw i'm now no longer the PT I/C and thus have no more chances of screwing up :P. i seriously dunno how to redeem myself but hey i'm really determined to learn and to improve.

i passed the platoon soc timing. 8:37! can do better. haha. anyway it was great seeing ppl enjoying themselves doing what they like doing e.g. wee boon playing basketball. and it was also a nice night's out for us even though we had no longer than 2 hrs at jurong point - enough for me to eat a bit, meet chan ter yue and soh ee, and borrow a book.

feeling optimistic somehow. :) keep it there. and actually yeah i still need to try harder. at least do what i promise myself. i suddenly recalled how i told myself i'd surely try my best in ocs when i tried so hard at keat hong camp to change my posting. *nods head* *shakes head* sighz. heh

7:02 p.m. - 2005-06-12



come to think of it. i need a break man! 12 hrs is all i have for bookout this time... and really, a bookout isnt complete without a night's rest. heh, this is more like an extended bookout for an interview. :S. nonetheless i've done quite a bit today haha. think i'll collapse once i get back to bunk

4:41 p.m. - 2005-06-05



spade finished and i din die. haha. one whole week without proper sleep is quite a gd experience :) u just keep hallucinating, and falling asleep bcums absolutely uncontrollable (fine. ppl might argue it has always been uncontrollable for me anw). saw how good-natured and reasonable our instructors are. haha. spade was, on the whole, quite unlike what i heard from rumours.

anyhow i've bcum a highly unmotivated person bcos i realized i'm going to foxtrot oscar in abt 3 weeks, and tt whatever i've achieved now won't last for 4 years. resulting in will power / endurance level being much lower than i can actually have. staying within my comfort zone even as an appointment holder. must be more efficient.

highly unmotivated perhaps also bcos there seems to be an impression tt ppl have already formed of me, that i am the blurrest possible guy, that i cannot make it, that i am totally disorganized, that i have absolutely no command and control. and i just quietly accept it and try to prove them otherwise. haha. but of cos being the forgetful hk tt i am, i keep proving them right. and i've a feeling some start wondering how i got psc. ppl have stopped giving me chances, bcos i'm not trying hard enough. GET STARTED NOW!

it's not tt i've nvr had this problem of not being responsible for myself. i'm always like tt. time to START REDEEMING MYSELF NOW!

haha. tt's right.


like hon says. packing is therapeutic. i've been tidying up the duty room every time i'm doing my extra. and packing my own bunk. and the comp. highly relaxing. being able to focus on doing things with ample time given to me.

i still am positive abt ns. but evidently i'm not really making full use of it. still being the same old hk. and there is very terrible coordination within the wing. kinda glad i'm going off. anw. ns is still like school. everyth is planned. i want to learn to plan my own life. after june. not tt i've any great plans yet though.

anw. these few bookouts i've been going to view showflats with my parents. quite fun actually.

sometimes things r just v coincidental. was listening to a song, decided to get the lyrics from my excel file so i opened it and it was at the right song. wonder how many things happening in my life are coincidences. should treasure them.

anw. realized tt i buy a lot more stuff now. i own more stuff. i nvr could do it with the allowance i had bcos back in school i ate it all up. haha. mm n i wish i could go thru rj again but as the person that i am now...

1:13 p.m. - 2005-06-05



surprisingly. not exactly looking forward to ex spade. 4 days. *nods* just an overall feeling of sianness.
but haha. let's go in with a positive attitude yup. dunno how but shall find it.

perhaps partially bcos my mum is making me think again. why din i choose medicine? sigh. how can i be so sure?

6:31 p.m. - 2005-05-29



it's been a long week. and a good one too.

i've learnt to be a pretty happy person. sui2 yu4 er2 an1. and just relax whenever i can. like when i booked out twice this week. and happy hour (which aint my kind of entertainment but hey i managed to relax in my own way anyway).

long week bcos i tried to be active. perhaps a botched up attempt. trying to be more firm, more calm, more confident. learning from every single thing i do, making a conscious effort to improve from the previous time by listing out what was good and what was bad. Am making progress, but am also impeded by the lack of coordination between the apptmt holders. i tell u, we need prc 610s to coordinate our instructions, esp for ex spade stores loading.

overall. i did well on the instructors' side. i questioned them abt their instructions appropriately. but i bet my peers dun think much of me now. what with conflicting instructions, lack of command/control, lousy projection of voice, and not having exemplary behaviour - falling in late, being blur abt things, etc.

it's not easy but i'll try and redeem myself nxt week.

11:56 a.m. - 2005-05-29



kinda sucks to wake up on a sunday morning just to do cdo duty. esp when it's a long wkend. but of cos since it's a long wkend, at least i got part of it!

haha. but waking up at home to seeing ur parents. even if it's early, even if i only had 5 hrs of sleep. it's ok. :)

6:29 a.m. - 2005-05-22



nice evening out to beach rd with a fantastic dinner. then shifeng's hse for mini concert. pleasant. fascinating instrument (if it's considered one). and a ride back, then a pleasant supper! apple & cinnamon muffin from coffee bean. not bad at all.

just too bad i'm booking in by 0730 tml. *gasps*

hm. apparently smses keep going missing in the m1 network. when my phone memory is full / phone is off. so sometimes if there's some impt msg and i dun reply, try sending again...

11:14 p.m. - 2005-05-21



i've realized more and more, that i am
1. a lazy and ill-disciplined person
2. a very slow person (now in retrospect i know why sometimes i had problems finishing papers back in school, and also why my time management is bad)

so. work on tt. ocs isnt really forcing me to change.

1:40 p.m. - 2005-05-21



time passes v quickly. i'm not complaining. in another month or so i shall be disrupting. haha.

lots of live firing over the past week. which was rather enjoyable. let me just recap on what has happened. there were all the GPMG (general purpose machine gun) lessons, section live firing, section quick attack (was the SAW -section automatic weapon-gunner for both, attached to platoon 2 which was a gd experience). then more tests. and patrol fieldcamp.

sleep is bcuming more precious nowadays. any form of rest at all. i'd appreciate it a lot. it's a bit like getting back to mohawk.

2:56 p.m. - 2005-05-15



then comes one of the shortest bookouts. 13 hours.

anyhow. life's been fine. just bcame the wing PT i/c, which is really ridiculous bcos. *hears laughter and giggling* i dun even have to explain do i. and it's quite a weird position cos u're not part of the big 3 i.e. cwc, c2ic, cwsm yet u're an appointment holder. i'll figure out the role i can play soon i hope.

moved to a new room from which i can no longer see the sun rise every morning, but now i've a corner of the room to myself n i'm hoping tt i can start to feel really at home whenever i'm in e bunk.

k tt's all for now. time to sleep.

8:49 a.m. - 2005-05-08



this bookout must be one of the happiest i've had so far...

there was the slacking ard at home.

there was the slacking ard at sunyi's hse. (b4 tt a bit of shopping at Daiso). seeing all the classmates. playing basketball and soccer and for once enjoying myself v much. going out to IMM/jurong east to let the rest catch last train. enjoying the peace of built-up areas at night, singing batch songs. and staying over with honlyn yingheng xuxu bena. and sleeping with a bunch of ppl u're comfortable with. just like after prom. woke up not to see my army friends, but my 3f friends. wonderful. staying up till 4+ to explain to sunny how the m16 works. and so on.

chatted with friends i thought i might have lost contact with. e.g. bena/clar. had a comfy chat at bena's hse while doing my army stuff. enjoyed doing my army hw today. and really, not all tt rushed. still have 15 minutes to spare. lol. haha. + read The Alchemist!

yup in a generally gd mood. hopefully the week ahead is good.

take care, everyone!

7:42 p.m. - 2005-05-02



hm. i'm back!!! ahahaha
yes itchy.
haha *yawn*
~good night

12:32 a.m. - 2005-05-01



i really must make it a point to practise my piano every time i come back. my goodness. i cant even play properly now!!! haha oops.

6:40 p.m. - 2005-04-23



another week has passed, feeling just like a normal school week. abt time too, it's been almost 5 good months (135 days) spent serving the nation. there were tests (signals, leadership. yes, a theory test for leadership. stupid huh) which i did pretty well for. haha. not much physical activity since i vomitted -again- and got 4 days of attend B during which i was a road marshaller (not quite as fun as i thought it might have been)

anyway. i missed my gold by 1 pull-up. sure am improving. proud of myself. trying for sub-9 timing nxt ippt.

i'm hoping tt fieldcamp will make me more motivated, make me feel tt OCS is worth it. training has been falling short of my expectations... i miss mohawk. but like i said in my army journal, yes i still am thankful for learning from these 5 weeks. well at least i'm not sian.

wrote too much in my army journal haha. dunt feel like writing again. but basically i'm fine.

anw, SAFTI MI is a really beautiful place. love it.

9:22 a.m. - 2005-04-23



i am a lazy person. must really be more pro-active and try to achieve sth not comfortably within reach for once.

nowadays, time just flows quickly cos there are no milestones, no meaning/events/feelings linked to any particular month (e.g. you feel tt u havent done much in the year when it reaches april, have to start worrying abt another last-minute mugging session in june, etc).

i rmb vaguely a few weeks back when i felt so happy attending the lecture on ballistics and putting my brain to use. still am happy actually that there are so many lectures, so much to learn [tripflare and claymore mines and matador and so on] but now i'm starting to get a bad feeling tt i cant retain whatever i learn. esp all the practical stuff like IA drills. very bad at them but actually i'm really improving, compared to BMT. anyway. let's try to stay awake during lessons shall we.

mosquitos are irritating creatures tt force me to put insect repellent on the walls/bedsheet, wear sweater+long 4 pants at night. i lost countless nights of sleep bcos of them and it seems tt i'm slowing gaining grd in my battle against them. anyway. i realized i'm fine with them as long as they dun remain itchy for too long. as is the case for any other disturbances/attempts to affect my morale. i can endure, and interestingly my endurance period has increased. my comfort zone is expanding.

sometimes i take a calculated risk and blatantly flout the rules. not sth an officer is supposed to do of course. and yup somehow in NS u learn to determine the value of each action u do and consider whether the benefits outweighs the costs. and to prioritize. funny thing is i cant prioritize very well once i bookout. keep going out, and nvr really have enough time b4 booking back in again. like today haha. not again!

the reason why my time management is bad is cos i spend too much effort and time on small little things and neglect the big picture. as seen during area cleaning. when my buddy got pissed with me aha. but he is a forgiving person.

i was told by an instructor tt i was disrespectful in the way i speak. i better be more tactful. sth tt i've always needed to change. but haha maybe really tt makes who i am. treating superiors as friends.

ok going off now. not too rushed this time at least :)

6:51 p.m. - 2005-04-17



not in a particularly good mood now. i was actually in a better mood while i was confined, while i was in ocs. oh well. it's strange really how a small little thing can affect me... hm heh. humans are like tt.

anyhow. been rather healthy, apart from a bee-sting while i was being pumped for forgetting an instructor's name. ridiculous. haha anyway. an overview of what's been happening. had the tri-service visits, which were exciting since we went onto a landing ship tank - a pretty large vessel, flew above cashew heights (and many other places like the zoo) on a super puma - a helicopter with room for 15, and went for a ride on the bronco - a 2-segment tracked vehicle. and lots of lectures. on weapons (ballistics), military law / leadership, signalling, etc. pretty good way to pass time in my opinion, much more useful than back in bmt (though inevitably in the SAF there will still be some time wastage).

hm and there was a 2 day leadership fieldcamp. tiring physically (navigation/casualty evacuation), and i felt lousy too cos i couldnt lead when i was the i/c for a mission (prob cos i was incompetent. din know how to organize my men, couldnt get respect/trust from them either. there's always a first time of course but others seem to manage much better). next time, i'll have to try harder even if i'm not confident. though to be fair to myself this time, i think i did achieve sth beyond what i expected of myself.

interestingly it hasn't been too tough mentally. i'm convinced tt the instructors are all v reasonable (not like in BMT when 3SG Syed can actually emphasize after a 15min tekan session that we have learnt nothing from it). the entire programme is interesting enough to keep me going. and in the long term my motivation is to improve myself, to become a humble person who won't judge others, a confident person who can speak, to make myself worthy of being an officer, to make my parents proud of me.

there are really many capable ppl in this wing. while i will feel lousy at times (like during fieldcamp) i shan�t be intimidated. i will learn from them, and meanwhile, i will continue feeling proud of keeping my standards high for things i�m good at. fieldpack inspection, area cleaning, and running, for now. [evidence: LTA Hairi/Kelvin used my packs/ET blade as the example for the rest to follow (twice), my buddy says i�m a perfectionist (area cleaning) ] these are small little things yes but i do use them as motivation for myself. of course one day (and perhaps v soon too since u�re talking abt really gd ppl all ard me) ppl will surpass my standards. will i continue improving my standards? probably.

actually sometimes i�ll just start thinking of pulling myself out of the cycle once and for all. why bother to excel, why bother to compete? once u start thinking of tt it can be v tempting and once u pull out things can start collapsing really quickly. (e.g. halfway thru bmt: why try for ocs when i can just get downgraded and bcum a clerk) perhaps excelling and competing gives me a sense of achievement. perhaps it makes my life more worthwhile. anyhow until i can find a satisfactory reason for me to pull myself out of the competing process, i shall stay on and try to excel.

anyway. physically it hasn't been too demanding. pull-ups? reasonable training, but bcuming less intense. running? ok la a bit tougher, began with 4km, now 6km. but still fine. push ups? tell me to do 100 at a go (circuit training) i will still die but otherwise it's fine too i just lag a bit tt's all.

so actually i still do not know what to expect of ocs even though it's already been 3 weeks. a type of challenge tt i can foresee would be the physical-mental. to endure on during PT, or to try to stay awake during lectures. it wunt be so much of warding off homesickness/desires to quit ocs bcos of intolerable torture. haha. maybe i'll be proven wrong. and maybe there are other types of challenges i've yet to experience. shall wait and see. hopefully the wing can be smart and work together. perhaps it�s possible. friendships are being forged v quickly bcos we are actually all pretty similar.

i�m really looking forward to going to cambridge. must be a really beautiful place. as it is i�m already falling in love with the SAFTI MI HQ building. and i realized tt for me, liking the place makes me like the life i lead there much more.

at least after this blog entry i feel better. and guess what. i'm really much more prepared for book in this time, trust me.

1:21 p.m. - 2005-04-10



urgh i'm sick and tired of rushing to do things every single bookout...

6:31 p.m. - 2005-03-25



havent had much time to blog haha, and probably wont have in the near future as well. mm. the last i remember i was still in hk, enjoying myself, visiting ppl. and then b4 i know it, i ended up at keat hong camp as part of the pioneer platoon there. i.e. my job was to set up/ destroy obstacles like barbed/concertina wires as well as landmines. quite quite cool actually.

meanwhile yechao tried to get me out of tt company (stallion) to be his tank driver but he failed. i went to ask my oc to be posted out anw since i wunt be able to complete the course. and of cos i took the chance to ask him abt my posting. it's lucky tt i did. bcos b4 tt many ppl had not been able to help me, and by the time i got myself transferred to ocs, i met a big shot there who said tt they wunt receive any more ppl after me. phew. i was really really so relieved when the corporal (back at keat hong) found out the reason behind the wrong posting: mohawk had entered the wrong ippt result into the system. it's ridiculous.

okok really no time now. shall talk more abt ocs only when i've experienced it properly.

5:59 p.m. - 2005-03-25



hk is so different from sg. or tt's what i felt when i landed. upon reaching hong kong island, u see public transport dominating the roads, which are lined with really really really tall buildings. and senior citizens are rather active. ppl are much more civic-minded - e.g. on escalators everybody keeps right. ppl sleep and wake up much later, and the society is more susceptible to cultural trends.

somehow, i wonder if i would like hk better.

anyway. met almost all the relatives we could. it was really nice to feel family warmth after seeing my mum and her 4 other sisters chit-chatting. and i also saw my dad's strong love/concern for his younger sister (currently single, and afflicted with some autoimmuno-disease and thus arthritis). having siblings is good. pls treasure them.

and another thought. the most exciting thing worth looking forward to is perhaps changes in yourself. how u'd be 20 years down the road, how u'd look at something u looked at 20 years back differently.

btw. i love the weather in hk now. i shall love the weather in the uk as well. :)

bcuming an AI trooper tml. *nods* yeah.

10:29 p.m. - 2005-03-20



haha at the airport now. was here 9 months ago? haha not exactly v excited haha oh well. but hopefully will have a good time :) anyone who wants anyth could try contacting me by msn or sth.

10:09 a.m. - 2005-03-16



haha reginald just came to my hse for nothing. but oh well he took some italy photos home at least... argh feeling bored. as usual. was trying to figure out where all the time in my block leave went and suddenly i realized oops i really din do much. only then did i realize i must have slept A LOT. hm.

11:47 p.m. - 2005-03-15



realized tt i actually remember my juniors at the time when i leave the choir, and my seniors at the time when i join the choir. interesting.

11:51 a.m. - 2005-03-15



feeling rather melancholic.

sometimes i wish i had a mum who'd nag less. urgh. haha.

went for choir, met xuxu, then sya at her ice cream stall. then dinner at seoul garden.


9:49 p.m. - 2005-03-14



feel so lazy now, 4 days after POP. and i've actually increased in weight. shucks. no wonder my chin-up count is decreasing.

talking to xuxu and realizing how she has to raise another S$100,000 before she can go to oxford has made me treasure the opportunities tt i've been given much more. yup. v exciting decade i have ahead of me.

10:28 p.m. - 2005-03-13



and since it was so boring at home i decided at 4:30pm yesterday (after succumbing to my mum's nagging to wash my boots which had both fungi and moss growing on it) i went off to sungei punggol in search for mudskippers but ended up bird-watching. greatest achievement was a photo of a heron just landing on a tree top. biggest mistake was walking into mud when i really din have to ahahaha tt caused my sandals to really stink.

mmhm and nth much today just quite a bit of eating (in fact, maybe too much) and meeting candice to have a pretty nice chat tt started me seriously thinking abt the effects on my parents of my leaving for the uk for my studies, esp when this is the crucial period, when they just start aging. *shrugs*

11:52 p.m. - 2005-03-12



actually, i'm already missing life in the army. no longer have to retrieve our sling-bags, change into admin and march to the cookhouse for breakfast. no more of feeling overjoyed just bcos we dun have to go for lunch in company level. no more climbing up to the 5th floor (ok who knows haha). no more asking for more fruits from an aunty who has become grumpier as days go by.

it's incredibly boring at home!

3:54 p.m. - 2005-03-11



BMT ended just like tt. a bit unbelievable.

quite a number of major events: 24km wasnt tt bad - din have cramps but had slight abrasions. SOC timing 9:02! proud of myself. POP rehearsals during which my section mate (mojo) collapsed and i was so traumatized i was tearing while singing (yeah we're supposed to sing stand up for sg / the infantry song). POP itself which i screwed up my julang senjata cos my left hand was numb and i couldnt feel my rifle.

i will miss my new friends despite not knowing them v well. and the place. like i've said b4 the place always helps bring back memories for me so tts y i'll miss it. and the instructors, whom i just might not see ever again :(

8:52 a.m. - 2005-03-10



and for this v last book-in to tekong, i shall be ready for once and not have to rush.

sometimes i wish i had someone who can really understand me... all sides of me. which is i guess rather impossible heh

and at a time like this, i wish i could really go on holiday, sit in the middle of a fast-flowing river, and just enjoy nature for a while.

interestingly. if someone could understand me, he/she would realize tt i'm actually not extremely sad after writing these 2 entries...

4:48 p.m. - 2005-03-05



i deserve the b3 for gp but i was just hoping for an a2 and tt could have been possible if i had tried to touch tt big stack of past year prelim gp papers i bought. another case of me not trying my best - which actually is often (or almost always) the case, i have to admit.

and when i did try my best, i might not have been rewarded either. but at the very least, i have tried.

if my direction in life is to be set by the expectations of others, by peer pressure, is that not pathetic?

2:31 p.m. - 2005-03-05



hm it's v late now so i shant blog too much.

was just thinking tt NS has done me much good well yes it has but at the same time it has deprived me of opportunities to do stuff like learning to drive. or attachments / research work. which would have made me much more ready for the UK. or perhaps, to make me realize tt i'd prefer medicine.

u know frankly i still wonder if i'll do medicine in the end.

this week was generally quite ok. apart from being extremely tiring. not enough sleep during range = ppl getting sick = me starting a 5-day amoxicillin course by myself. oh and i vomitted cos i ate too much snacks on range day 1. i dun understand why i just cant control myself when it comes to eating snacks, even though i know tt i might end up vomitting.

realized tt it helps me a lot if i write down a list of problems making me feel sad at the moment, and solve them one by one eventually (or they disappear after a fixed time bcos of deadlines).

there was oc night which wasnt particularly exciting. was rather stressful being the performance i/c but kinda managed to come up with the song "stand-by bed" in the end. which apparently was the best item for the night so i'm quite happy. i realized. tt i need to learn to dress nicely. i have bad taste basically haha. one thing tt NS has not taught me, is how to be an individual. it has only taught me to be a recruit, and perhaps given me more chances to be selfless.

ah my entries are getting quite boring perhaps everyth's abt ns. but i cant help it.

just read sang's blog just now. maybe buddhism is suitable for me.

mm yes i think i'm getting closer to hoi wang my bed buddy haha. he's from hong kong too and nowadays we chit chat a bit every night b4 sleeping. hopefully we can bcum gd friends and maintain tt friendship in time to come.

Stand-by bed
When the time has come
For us to book out
And the sergeants
They call for
Stand-by bed

We chiong up to the loo
No more wanking, no shitting too
If you pee,
I/C will shout
"Eh f*** you!"

Back to bunk, do cleaning
Pull the bedsheets, tuck them in
Any rubbish
Just sweep them down
To M3 (errr i'm in M4 u see)

So sergeant sergeant said, "fall in"
Oh stand-by bed
Off the fans,
On the lights,
Stand-by bed.

Sedia, we tiam
I/C report strength
Senan diri
And the torture
Just began

Jumping jacks, 20 counts
50 seconds run up and down
Move in file
"Never mind!"
Half left down

(guitar solo)

OC night, has come
OC hear us out
All we want is
No more
Stand-by bed

Oh no more no more Stand-by bed
Oh no more book out late
We're not lazy
We just don't want
Stand-by bed.

12:57 a.m. - 2005-02-27



had a relatively slack bookout. went to the polyclinic to have my regular medical checkup haha, then went to olio dome to meet ms heng / ms quah for a drink. was v nice meeting them. then went to my dad's golfing friend's hse to have dinner. seemed like quite an enjoyable experience when i was there but felt rather empty after it. too noisy and fake i suppose. maybe i dun quite like socializing. it's interesting but hm not nice.

uh. doesnt sound v slack so far huh. haha but i was sleeping almost for the whole of today. woke up at 11, ate breakfast, watched a bit of tv, then back to sleep until 2, then ate and slacked until now.

feeling uncertain abt my future again despite having signed the acceptance letter, but hopefully things will improve for the better as time passes.

when i read abt bao rong's quitting from her job at venezia it somehow got me thinking. was it the right thing to do? does it mean tt u quit a job once there's nth to learn? or isnt there always sth to learn as things somehow happen? or maybe her boss was really exploiting her? i dunno. cos it's been repeatedly drummed into me/us nowadays by the sergeants to just endure. regardless of the circumstances? i feel like such a brainless follower.

i have so many thoughts now actually but hai. nvm

3 months of BMT is too short actually i feel. and for those without PTP it sucks even more. or does it?

3:34 p.m. - 2005-02-20



for the past week we had IMT (individual marksmanship training) and IPPT. and i met lots of ppl including pri sch ppl like karthik and junda and haogen. and lots of rj ppl as well of cos.

i am now more sure tt i want to go to ocs so i must increase my pullup count. nowadays i'm used to life at tekong. i no longer need snacks to cheer myself up (tt used to be the case in the first few weeks), ailments dont affect my mood that much, tekan sessions arent tt unbearable i just have to try hard to do the pt properly. and i've started taking shortcuts. like sgt syed says, as long as u dun get caught.

memorable events of the week.

1.lt khairil knocks my helmet during IMT
lt khai: what r u doing? r u sleeping?
me: not yet, sir
lt khai: outstanding. u give me 20 first.
2.doing pushups/general pt on a very hot basketball court, resulting in burns
3.an insect flew into the ceiling fan and got its head (together with a pair of legs) sliced off by the blade. both parts of the body were still moving after they landed on different parts of uma's bed. interesting and disgusting.

i am basically v tired now and cant remember what i typed in my previous entry which got eaten up by stupid diaryland. so off to sleep i shall go.

11:29 p.m. - 2005-02-19






eh dun exactly love the idea of going back in today haha after this long long break. but it has to happen :( so haha oh well... i will miss home and all the rest of the ppl whom i've managed to meet..

7:10 p.m. - 2005-02-13



it's in solitude tt u're least alone. (apparently i said this half a year ago)

havent really been alone for a v long time actually. been going out so frequently. so much more frequently than when i was still in school, even though i only have abt 24 hrs per week.

ah i so look forward to going to cambridge and exploring europe from there. maybe alone.

4:13 p.m. - 2005-02-13



still v tired. haha

well yesterday we had a class party at cashew. very relaxed which i thought was good. we did have a rather good turnout actually. apart from the AS club which happily abandoned us bcos they live in the east (oh i'm reminded tt weili and eric live in the east too lol). xuxu and shu-lin came! surprise surprise! haha. anw i mopped the floor after everybody left and i decided maybe i shud have done it the day b4 so tt perhaps everybody's socks could have been saved from defacement.

then i went for my class dinner! haha 4p. it felt good meeting them though it was only 10 of us. and haha a very sumptuous dinner tt was value-for-money.

this morning went to christelle's church for a celebration worship (if tt's what it's called). it was errr, interesting. haha. highly so. :)

getting ready to get back to camp. another 6 days. and tt would be my 3rd last bookout. yay! haha

3:07 p.m. - 2005-02-13



i've been so tired this bookout, it seems tt every single time i'm travelling from place to place, i will be sleeping. how to get well? heh

anyhow. watched hotel rwanda with evelyn! was quite exciting actually cos the show was at 9.50 PS and i was still at home at 9.15 we kinda decided at 9.10 lol. then had gelato at 6th ave with grace and guess what. CHEN BAO RONG! hahaha what a surprise. a pleasant one of course. met auntie lily and friends at night for dinner at her hse. the ppl whom we'll meet every year w/o fail during xmas/new yr/cny, and they'll see me growing year by year.

hm n i dun think ppl wuld want to see an irritated hk. he's really ugly.

8:14 a.m. - 2005-02-12



i'm so glad i met so many ppl whom i havent met in ages. children of my parents' friends. annie, betty, carol, etc. hahah. alphabetical order huh lol. nice to see them again. and to just bring me out of my social circle a bit (class and ns ppl currently)

mm. been eating a lot too. had pizza hut lunch then steamboat buffet at the pines for dinner.

but exercising too! went to the treetop walk at central nature reserve. quite nice la i guess. and i intend to do CPT2 tml at home. hahahaha.

11:44 p.m. - 2005-02-10



there's sth terrible abt me as a person. i look down on ppl. ok i confessed already right some time ago. but the worst part is tt i would show it very explicitly in the tone tt i speak to the person with. which means tt i'll make a very bad teacher. which i am.

10:42 p.m. - 2005-02-09



hm. and i think my biological clock has been altered by NS. 2230 has bcum my sleep-hour. not good not good. haha.

10:39 p.m. - 2005-02-09



once again i was disturbed by lt khairil in my dreams telling me to fall in at the m4 corner in smart 4. urgh. at least this time i know tt i'm at home and i din exactly wake up to check whether it's real. but i hope this doesnt continue, really.

but i must still say tt ns is doing me more good than bad. i no longer take things for granted, i've bcum more responsible, i'm slightly more motivated, and v imptly, i'm starting to exercise on my own. in the past i could nvr understand why ppl want to go run/swim in their free time.

anyway new year is getting more and more meaningless. who am i to visit? reunion dinner is just like any other dinner, more so now than ever, bcos nowadays i'm eating dinner with my parents only once/twice a week. angbao money doesnt matter any more since it's prob going to add up to less than my month's allowance from SAF. haha. i'm not getting new clothes. and since nth is open there's no point going out either. bleah. what a new year huh.

oh and read this. share his sentiments? nowadays i dun use the net for much either. blog, news, email, chat. maybe i should take away the chatting to save time. and maybe blogging too but i think blogging is helping me sort out my thoughts a little at least.

11:02 a.m. - 2005-02-09



i'm extremely tired. am so proud i lasted thru strength training this morning despite blister(s), an acute pain in my left knee, and general fatigue. not in comparison with peers (which is rather rare for me), but just simply a personal achievement.

anyway the past two nights were not good i had pseudo-reality dreams again which tell me to fall in in the middle of the night and it just irritates me to have to wake up to find that it's just a dream.

will we really start to miss bmtc, life as recruits? and yes i better better start training for my pullups.

whom should i consider to be my friend? or rather, what makes a friend a friend?

when i went for the navy talk and found the career v appealing (as is the case after i go for medicine seminars and who-knows-what-else) i felt seriously uncertain abt my future. which keeps me worried bcos so many ppl know what they want to do. like uma my section mate he wants to be a PTI. and i start to doubt my desire to enter OCS. i mean yes i want to but if i really really wanted to i should be able to do 6 pull-ups by now. nope. nowhere near tt.

for now, i can only convince myself again, tt it matters not which path i choose to take. it only matters how i choose to take the path i chose. as for tt desire to help others directly (as a I would be able to as a doctor), i shall satisfy it by getting myself involved in humanitarian aid efforts some time in my life. yup..

ah nvm. haha. life goes on in the army.

7:58 p.m. - 2005-02-08



still not in the best of health. cough remains and vomitted air again. nowadays i dunno when to stop eating it seems tt the stretch sensors in my stomach are not working so i shall have to learn to tell myself when to stop eating. oh route marches seem to have gotten easier ever since i loosened my sbo cos it's less strenuous on my back. good. i hope i'm getting fitter. guard duty was quite fun but tiring (12km!)

anyway. so the biggest thing tt happened was to know tt i got the offer from psc. the life-changing news. in just another 5 or 6 months i'll be heading off to europe. ok. provided i get my b3 for gp and my 4As. but i shall just not think abt tt as yet. it's a scary thought in some ways.

and. OCS? yeah i think now i do want to go. going outfield isnt all tt bad in fact i think i enjoy it. i prefer to be outfield than back at bmtc. i feel it's more hygienic to dig my own shit-hole than to use the cubicles, to sleep on the mud/soil/groundsheet than on the guard-hse beds.

sit test was really fun for me cos i was the lightest in the detail and basically i was involved at every station: when they had to hoist me up and down the cliff/manhole, climbing into the prisoner cell, etc. i think i prob did exhibit some leadership though i could have done better. it seems to have given me some confidence in myself though. oh at the beginning the thought of slacking thru the whole thing ran thru my mind a few times but later i decided to try my best since i already did badly for psc so tt would have been my last chance. [nvm i know it's v confusing]

went for rv concert yesterday. was very late though. met many batches of seniors and tt was really exciting. makes me feel old.

last wk when i booked in i was feeling really bad cos the interview was bad, and i forgot to bring in some stuff, and i hadnt had the chance to play the piano. but wow i brought in the choir cd and after listening to it b4 i slept i was in such a fantastic mood. music does wonders.

i think i'm learning to accept ppl and not look down on ppl. tt's what communal living does.

the best part abt this book out is tt i can always leave things to be done to the next book out which is not far away at all. yay haha.

3:05 p.m. - 2005-02-06



so glad sang likes her job so much. yup catch up some day. and actually i'm somehow v happy just reading abt how my friends all seem to be happy with their jobs even though they might have started out otherwise. tt's great.

met christelle at thomson plaza (tt seems like the only place where we can meet huh haha) for some brief catching up b4 going to the glass hse to meet sing yong and yong ping and friend (chee keong issit?). nice food. and nice toilet there too. but puked after i reached home. sucks to puke. it's even worse when it comes with a running nose.

i realize i wallow in self-pity a lot when i'm sick. such a weak person i am.

clearing up messes i've made in my hse now. always so much to do when i book out. no chance to slack like i used to back in school.

things i miss / i want to do
making music. now i'm v sure i want to continue doing music after ns. in whatever way. when ns finishes i'll figure out. meanwhile i'll continue w piano myself (it's been 2 years since i last went for lessons. goodness)

volunteer / social work

learn jap/chinese and improve my writing skills and learn malay, french and italian maybe.

e good old days in school when u really din have to worry abt anyth much. but then again maybe when u start working it's the same. it's just the transitional phase during which u have to plan and make major decisions.


some logos look rather outdated actually. try looking at the 7-eleven logo. it might actually have looked trendy some 20 years ago or sth. take special notice of the "7". and the "zen" look, the minimalist approach seems to be losing its appeal, at least to me.

12:27 p.m. - 2005-01-30



well i think i like e way ns is shaping me. i'm bcuming stronger i think, looking at each entry i write, week after week. but there's much more to be done to improve myself :)

oh and interestingly i think ns makes everyone much more helpful. everyone is ur brother (even if u dun know him at all) and u'll be warning each other of danger. it'd be weird if u did the same to strangers outside the army. . hm sometimes when i'm going home by public transport i start looking at men ard me in a different way. these are men who have survived ns. not bad at all.

10:18 a.m. - 2005-01-29



there are certain things i've learnt to do:

1. to prioritize what i've to do and do only the absolute necessary when there's a lack of time. i used to believe in doing non-urgent things properly bcos it culd mean less work in the future. now? forget the non-urgent things first. (my buddy commented tt i'm a perfectionist. yes i am. i should be less precise when it isnt necessary.)

2. dun care abt rules! of cos there are reasons why they are there. but sometimes u can do away with them safely. like how i went to the toilet in the middle of the night w/o helmet/sbo/a buddy when u're supposed to do it with all those. as long as u're not caught.

3. stick to your decisions, dun ever regret them, and be happy with them

fieldcamp really tests how much u can endure. it's not all tt bad bcos physical activity isnt more intense than back at bmtc but the lack of good sleep brings in quite a bit of fatigue. and the overall sianess. i nvr really did countdown to the last day. it wasnt really a pls-let-it-end-soon thingie. but i constantly wrote down in my diary tt i was really tired. n i prob was cos u just have to keep pushing urself everyday. like i said b4 i've nvr done this in my life. i've always been more or less surviving within my comfort zone. yup.

i'm not quite used to having artificial light at night actually haha. the moon is rather bright, trust me. oh and it's really cold out there in the open at ard 4am. *shudders* and there are fireflies! but errr usu near the pee/shit point. e food isnt all tt bad (couldnt taste anyth for 1st 2 days bcos of blocked nose)

being appointed the platoon i/c for 3.5 days during the fieldcamp gave me motivation and energy at first but eventually it made me a bit tired. but i'm glad i remained calm at all times. problem with me is i cant command respect. i cant get a large grp of ppl to listen to me, as usual. i think i could have done much better if i had been less tired. o well.

as usual after booking out i ate too much n feel like puking now. stupid hk.

10:25 p.m. - 2005-01-28



it's interesting to recall how we all were on the 1st day of ptp, and to compare the situation then with us now, already into the 2nd wk of bmt. seeing all the changes (as a grp, as well as each individual) from the instructors' point of view must be exciting too, and tt would be one thing tt'll motivate me to want to go for command school. somewhat like the joy of teaching and seeing kids grow. and i'm glad tt it's sth tt i want to do. yup. =)

have had BCCT (close combat training) lessons and more TH (technical handling) and IFC (individual fieldcraft - e.g. basha building/camouflaging) and hopefully SOC (standard obstacle course) soon so lessons are getting more interesting. [acronyms are really quite useful actually haha]

i realized i'm a rather slow learner. and i don't absorb much during lessons. makes me wonder how much i actually learnt from all my years in school. *shudders just thinking of the amt tt i ought to have learnt but did not*.

i miss science. just read abt the theory of a cluster of atoms behaving like another atom e.g. 13 Al bhaving like alkaline earth atom to form compound with halogen. interesting yar?

oh n i just found out briefly how my rifle actually works. wonderful.

being sick at tekong (away from home at any place for tt matter) really really sucks. waking up in the middle of the night bcos of a bad sore throat or cough. i've had lots of this at tekong. bad. +totally blocked nose and i cant taste anyth.

benny this ite guy is my new section mate. sometimes i wonder. being so ignorant of what's happening ard him isnt all tt bad. he's so calm even in the most emergency situations haha.

i realized (not tt i din know b4) tt i like to make my relationships with my suepriors as friendly and good as possible bcos it makes doing things a lot easier. maybe it's not such a bad thing but is it good? hm.

i must constantly remind myself of my goals. and to always put all my effort into trying to achieve it, nvr doubting myself if i want to succeed. yup. [for now i must aim for 6 pull-ups.]

oh and sometimes if u're a leader do check if u're setting ur targets too low for ur followers.

ns aside, it's nice meeting half the class at marche for a dinner-after-dinner. and then a movie during which i ate my brownie and fell asleep (almost).

okok fieldcamp coming up. and i'm still sick. wish me good luck haha. but i seriously think i shall enjoy it. when i'm feeling down i shall appreciate nature. =)

meanwhile i'm really really envious of all my classmates and friends who are all doing sth exciting. really wish i had tt luxury to spend my time doing sth tt i wunt ever get a chance to do again in my life. whether it be a research project, working as a salesperson. anyth at all. i love trying new stuff. it's a pity i dun get the chance hm.

oh and do wish me gd luck for my psc interview on the 28th jan. hahahaha. after 6 days of fieldcamp =p

4:09 p.m. - 2005-01-21



keeping in contact with lots of ppl. ms tan (music teacher), ms lee, mr krishnan (ri hist/ss). very nice feeling. + evelyn + bena/sang. yup. feels gd.

now. time to readjust back to ns env.

6:37 p.m. - 2005-01-16



i think i know why ns isnt helping in making me fitter.

"2004-02-03 // 7:44 p.m.
anyway. then there was this 9+8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1 assisted chin-ups to be done. was really dying, think abt 10 were not pull-ups but rather leg-pushes. but still! i wuldnt have done it myself. gd to have encouragement from ppl ard u."

and nowadays bcos of "progressive training" we're only doing 6 at a time? sucks.

and my personal best for 2.4 was actually 9:30. the other day i only ran 10:34 and 9:34 respectively. the fatigue is just too much for us to take.

but yechao reminds me tt bmt is nothing and so i shall remind myself tt bmt is indeed nth. just wake up and tell myself tt i've lots of energy. it works u know.

12:14 a.m. - 2005-01-16



i realized i'm already used to this life of mine now. just chionging all the way and coming home to relax. you're right. relax? haha. even when i book out i'm always chionging. so so much to do. meeting ppl. blogging. clearing email. writing letters/emails for scholarships/unis. buying the necessary stuff and finishing the unfinished stuff (like my barracks damage report).

(*haha quite fun met bena/sang at great world when i came out for dsta interview. and of cos i met serene thain there as well. very rushed.)

it's so much like school.
it sucks to keep having to try to stay awake during lectures
it's v routine
u look forward to e end of e week
u eat much more than usual
it's much more tiring than usual (well i guess esp for me since i've always been in choir. kinda reminds me a bit of odac days)
u're forced to sleep and wake up early (which is not bad a habit actually)

i'm rather envious of everyth i read on other ppls' blogs actually. everyone's working while i'm like doing climbing drills and push ups and medicine ball drills and arms drills and sending and receiving arms everyday. though to be fair, since bmt started we've done more interesting stuff like first aid and technical handling (our rifles).

some things i've been thinking abt:

sometimes i wonder whether i respect my direct superiors too much w/o judging them, w/o giving fair criticism. tt perhaps makes me a rather gd follower.

i shall b a better speaker

leadership skills are clearly shown by a platoon i/c. personally i think saleem did v well. i shall do equally (if not even more) well if i'm given the chance. hahah. easy to say. but it's not easy to handle such a large variety of ppl no doubt.

i'm not being a v gd treasurer despite my experience.

i felt rather guilty tt day when i was just in the wrong mood and din feel like helping the new recruits after being scolded, and i just walked ard to see what i could do to help instead of sitting down to help properly. disappointed in myself.

i started thinking abt whether i might consider a military career. perhaps it's not tt unimaginable tt impossible.

i shall correct my mistakes / improve myself soon.

sometimes it really sucks when u want to get sth but u also know tt u wunt be able to get it no matter how hard u try. sucks huh?

my 2.4 timing - 9:34 did i improve? cant remember. have to search thru last year's entries when i have the time. i still cant do more than 1 pull up *shocked*

lights out 2230. nearly the whole bunk was awake but 5 of us got caught. guard duty probably. fun.

still sick and coughing. coughed so badly i woke up for the past 2 nights. but hey i looked up into the sky and i saw such a starry night. and started singing "vincent" naturally, only to realize my voice is really quite gone. anyway nature really really helps me a lot. during the 6 km route march i was looking at ferns. in the early morning 5 bx i'll be looking at e beautiful flowers on the tree. or the moon or stars in the sky when we run round the track. just motivates me on somehow.

v disjointed thoughts haha. cant be bothered to organize them

10:06 p.m. - 2005-01-15



i miss school...

actually BMTC is a school too. haha. anyway communal living is a gd experience. i'm beginning to really like both my bedmates (on both sides of my bed la haha dun worry we dun share beds). it�s really nice to interact w ppl 17 hrs a day, but well i really really wish they were ppl i already know (my existing friends), so tt I can really get to know my friends better. [of cos my bunkmates r going to b gd friends of mine too.]

it's only been 1 month (actually, it�s quite fast eh) and i've already changed a bit. bcum more disciplined, more aware of the value of time and time management, and more ready for emergencies.

so far it's only been physical training and it's my own fault for the past 18 years for not ever trying to be a fit person. so all the struggling or suffering + will power i'm using in exchange for endurance during pt, i realised, is really nth much. for some time i bluffed myself into thinking tt i�ve already achieved a lot by enduring so far, but there's really much much more coming up. when i quit odac i was actually running away from physical self-torture. now fortunately i�m being forced by e government to bcum fitter and stronger. thankyou lee kuan yew. only problem is i'm falling ill too frequently. can only blame myself for not exercising much b4 this.

having a sense of purpose when u�re doing sth lets u achieve so much more. it's funny but when i look back i feel tt i've not made full use of my 2 years in rj. somewhat like how i thought i wasted my 4 years in ri. there�s a lag kinda. i realized at e end of sec 4 tt i should have tried more things in ri so i did just tt in rj, but at the end of j2 i realized tt i shud also have used jc to prepare myself for life after school. n haha i guess i shall do just tt in NS.

what�s my aim in life? i've yet to figure out. happiness? perhaps. meanwhile, peer pressure really does a lot to me. the desire to be safely above average seems to be constantly within me. and so tt shall motivate me on to excel in doing whatever i do until i find some true purpose in life.

9:29 a.m. - 2005-01-09



will be out again on the 4th. ahhahaha.

6:35 p.m. - 2005-01-02



its quite sad when i realize tt i wun be having such holidays very often in the future. the last of them will probably be chinese new year. the rest of the 10 weeks or so it'd be the monotonous army life every day with a day per week (provided i dun get confined) for us to come out - but i'd probably be like sleeping that day away. and then i've to get ready to get back in.

so it sucks quite a bit actually, even though i've been saying tt it's ok. life inside isnt bad, so at least it isn't suffering. come to think of it, it's not too different from school life. so haha shall just continue living with it.

12:27 p.m. - 2005-01-02



each person is entitled to his/her views, but it's the saddest when he or she is ashamed of his/her views. hmmmm. mmhm.

12:42 a.m. - 2005-01-02



hm i'm almost falling asleep. and i've an essay to write. bleah.

9:45 p.m. - 2005-01-01



it's fast. happy new year.

this year's seriously gonna be a year of changes. highly interesting. and by the time i end this year, i shall be glad i survived thru it.

it's an exciting life ahead! come on everybody, discover life!

1:55 a.m. - 2005-01-01


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